eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
