He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
