I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
