Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
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My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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