I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
