My friends, they love my intelligence
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
