She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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