Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
