The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
