I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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