woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
