just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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