Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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