I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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