And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
