its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
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No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
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I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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