I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So much rum. So many feels.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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