Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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