You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
