i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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