I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
