remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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