just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
