Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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