so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I could fuck to npr.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
