apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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