saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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