I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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