I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
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I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
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It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm bleeding and have questions
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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