i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
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judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
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I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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