finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
