Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
