I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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