Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
