I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
MIDGETS
????
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
