If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
