You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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