Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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