What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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