im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
