Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
