take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
