All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
