Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
