I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
