my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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