If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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