I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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