my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
