he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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