yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
