dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
