I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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