Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
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you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize