jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
