Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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