remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
