i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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