i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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