i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
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I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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