I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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