It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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