thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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