Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
They took my balls.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
